Grace Street Group News

What's On My Mind...If Only and But

I hear a lot of "if only.." and "but, but, but". What I don't hear enough of is "and".

"If only my husband didn't travel so much for work, I could go back to school."

"If only I had more money in savings, I could pursue my passion."

"If only I had more time, I could exercise regularly."

And then there's the dreaded "but".

"I'd like to write a book, train for a marathon, pursue a hobby (you fill in the blank), but I don't have the time."

"I'd like to quit my stressful job, but it pays well and supports my family."

"I'd like to find a better paying job, but the economy is too bad."

"I want a better relationship with my spouse about money, but we just can't agree about our finances."

"I'd like to be debt-free, but it's just so difficult to pass up buying a bargain."

"I'd like to find more fulfilling work, but I just don't have a clue what that would be."

All those "if onlys" and "buts" are disempowering.

They create and reinforce conditions as insurmountable obstacles, dismiss possibility, and hand over the reigns of control to external factors.

If only...

If only always sounds like someone is waiting for a magic wand or for a genie to grant them a wish.

If only is dreamy without action.

If only thinking gets us in trouble when we don't restrict it to helping us clarify what we want. For instance, I'm all for it if someone says, "If only I could start my own business" and then follows up with, "OK, now how do I make that happen?" The problem is too many people leave off the second part and stop with the wishing.

But...

But is a show stopper. It's the end of possibility because it discounts everything that came before the "but".

Think about it: when you say, "I'd like to write a book, but I don't have the time", the part about wanting to write a book gets lost. It's negated by what comes after. All the emphasis is on the declarative pseudo-fact--"but I don't have the time"--and there's no where to go from there.

If you really want something, you need to turn the "but" into "and", and then ask, "OK, now what? What is possible?"

For instance, "I want a better relationship with my spouse about money, but we just can't agree about our finances" becomes "I want a better relationship with my spouse about money, AND we just can't agree about our finances." OK, now what? What IS possible?

Consider the difference when we opt for "and" instead of "if only" or "but".

"I've got three kids, a husband who travels a lot for work AND I can make the time for what matters most to me. How can I do that? What is possible?"

"I don't have much money in savings AND I can find a way to pursue my passion. What are ways to pursue my passion that don't require a significant financial commitment?"

"I dislike the stressful job I have that supports my family, AND I will find a way to find more meaningful work that pays well. What step could I take today to do that?"

"I'd like to be debt-free, AND it's just so difficult to pass up buying a bargain. OK, given that, what is possible? What am I willing to do to become debt-free?"

Language shapes our mindset about what's possible. It can stop us in our tracks and close off possibility or it has the potential to create an opening for us to brainstorm and explore other ways of getting from point A to point B.

Exchange some of your "if onlys" and "buts" for "ands". What mindset shift would that create?

Catalyst Questions

The following questions are designed to broaden perspectives, open up possibilities, and widen the lens. In other words, to be a catalyst!

The questions aren't necessarily related, so feel free to explore one or two or the entire list! There is no one right approach for exploring these questions. You can simply ponder them, discuss with friends or colleagues, journal your answers--whatever helps you explore and sparks your thinking.

How would you describe your prosperity mindset?
What happens when you worry less about pleasing others?
Who are you when inspiration takes hold?
What if you focused on having more experiences and acquiring less stuff?
Who are you when no one is looking?
Are you working to live or living to work?
How can you shift your imagination into high gear?
What is your single nugget of truth from which all else would flow?
Do you have too many ideas and too little execution?
What's the biggest dream you can envision for yourself?

I always enjoy hearing interesting applications of these questions to real-life situations. If these questions suggest a course of action for you, offer up a new mindset, or assist you in thinking creatively about something that's been a challenge, send me an email Jennifer@GraceStreetGroup.com and share. I'd love to hear from you!

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All the best,

Jennifer